At some point, someone on your team will go through something difficult outside of work. A bereavement. A divorce. A health scare. A family crisis. It will show up in ways you might not immediately recognise: missed deadlines, withdrawal from conversations, uncharacteristic irritability, or a sudden dip in energy. As their manager, you are not their therapist, their friend, or their family. But you are in a unique position to make their working life either a source of stability or an additional burden. How you handle this moment matters more than most things you will do as a manager.
You do not need to fix what is happening in someone's personal life. You need to make sure work does not make it worse.
The line between caring and prying
The hardest part of supporting someone through a personal difficulty is knowing how much to ask. Too little and they feel invisible. Too much and they feel invaded. The right approach is to open the door without walking through it. Let them know you have noticed something, that you care, and that you are willing to adjust. Then let them decide how much they want to share.
Opening the conversation
Too intrusive
"I heard about what happened. Do you want to talk about it?"
Too dismissive
"I am sure it will all work out. Let me know if you need anything."
Opening the door
"I have noticed you seem like you have a lot on at the moment. You do not need to share details, but I wanted you to know I am here if there is anything I can do to help on the work side."
Some people will open up. Others will not. Both responses are fine. The important thing is that they know the door is open. This is the foundation of having difficult conversations well: creating space without applying pressure. If they do share, listen without trying to solve the problem. Your role is to understand what they need from work, not to fix their personal situation.
Practical adjustments you can make
Support at work does not have to be dramatic. Often the most helpful things are small, practical adjustments that reduce pressure without drawing attention. A temporary reduction in workload. Flexibility on start and finish times. Permission to work from home on days when they have appointments. Moving a deadline by a week. Reassigning a presentation to someone else. These small acts of accommodation say "I see you and I am making space for you to deal with this."
Adjustments that help
Small changes that reduce pressure without drawing attention.
Be careful about sharing details with the wider team unless the person has explicitly asked you to. Saying "Sarah is going through a tough time" in a team meeting, even with good intentions, can feel like a betrayal of confidence. If the team needs to know why workload is being redistributed, keep it vague: "Sarah has some things to deal with outside work at the moment, so I am shifting a few things around. I would appreciate everyone's flexibility." If they want to share more, that is their choice.
For people dealing with burnout or chronic stress, the adjustments may need to last longer. Check in regularly to see if what you have put in place is still working, and be prepared to adapt. Recovery from personal difficulties is rarely linear. There will be good weeks and bad weeks, and the support you offer should flex accordingly.
When to involve HR
Not every situation needs HR, but some do. If someone discloses a serious mental health condition, if the situation involves domestic abuse, if they need extended leave, or if you are unsure about your legal obligations, loop in HR early. This is not about escalating or making things formal. It is about making sure the person gets the full range of support available to them, including employee assistance programmes, occupational health referrals, or adjustments you might not have the authority to offer yourself.
Tell the person before you speak to HR. Say something like: "I want to make sure you get the best support available. I would like to mention this to HR so they can advise on what we can offer. Are you comfortable with that?" Taking action behind someone's back, even with good intentions, damages trust. Supporting working parents through leave and flexibility follows a similar principle: be transparent about what you are doing and why.
- Involve HR whenThe person discloses a serious health condition, you are unsure about legal obligations, they need extended leave or formal adjustments, or you feel out of your depth. HR exists to help you help your team.
- Keep ownershipEven with HR involved, you are still their manager. Do not hand off the relationship. HR provides guidance and options. You provide the day-to-day support and the human connection.
- Know your limitsYou are not a counsellor. If someone needs professional support, point them towards your employee assistance programme or external resources. Knowing your limits is not weakness. It is responsible management.
Checking in without being intrusive
After the initial conversation, the challenge shifts to ongoing support. You do not want to ask "how are you?" every time you see them, because it starts to feel performative. But you also do not want to pretend nothing happened and go straight back to deadlines and deliverables.
The best approach is to weave it naturally into your regular Catchups. Start with a genuine, low-pressure check-in: "How are things going this week?" rather than "How are you coping with everything?" The first is an open invitation. The second puts them on the spot. If they want to talk about it, they will. If they want to focus on work, respect that. Some people find work to be a welcome distraction. Others find it impossible to concentrate. Follow their lead.
Set a reminder to check in after a few weeks, even if things seem to have improved. Personal difficulties do not resolve on a predictable timeline. The person who seemed fine last week might be struggling again this week. A Reminders feature helps you remember to follow up without relying on your own memory, which is already stretched thin by everything else you are managing.
The managers people remember most fondly are not the ones who said the perfect thing. They are the ones who showed up consistently, respected boundaries, and made practical adjustments without being asked twice. That is what good management looks like when someone is going through a hard time. Not grand gestures. Just steady, thoughtful presence.
Frequently asked questions
Never lose track of a check-in
Set reminders to follow up with team members who need your support. Free to start.